


I Can Excuse A Worm Infestation, But I Draw The Line At Martian Time Travellers

by Immortal_Enby_Archivist



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast), The Penumbra Podcast
Genre: (You know who you are), Canon Nonbinary Character, Content warning for kissing noises and fabric rustling, Exactly What It Says on the Tin, I wasn't even gonna publish it at first but someone gently forced me to, Leitner Ex Machina, Look this was all an excuse to throw my obsessions together okay don't look too deep into it, Okay maybe you can see it, Other, Screenplay/Script Format, You can't see it but Martin is pining, this is very self indulgent
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-17
Updated: 2020-12-17
Packaged: 2021-03-10 17:01:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,186
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28130574
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Immortal_Enby_Archivist/pseuds/Immortal_Enby_Archivist
Summary: If someone had told Jonathan Sims that a lady claiming to be from Mars (from the future, no less) would show up in the Institute requesting his help, and that he would have complied, he would have politely suggested they get a psychiatric evaluation. Until that day, that is...
Relationships: Peter Nureyev/Juno Steel
Comments: 6
Kudos: 102





	I Can Excuse A Worm Infestation, But I Draw The Line At Martian Time Travellers

[INT. THE MAGNUS INSTITUTE, THE ARCHIVIST'S OFFICE.] 

[TAPE CLICKS ON.] 

ARCHIVIST:  
I told you, if you're going to keep insisting on that ridiculous story, I'll be forced to call the police on you.

JUNO:  
What?! That's insane, I'm telling the truth!

ARCHIVIST:  
Forgive me if 'time travelling Martian detective' seems slightly far fetched, Mr Steel. Now get out of my archive.

JUNO:  
Look, I'm not going anywhere. The only thing I know for certain is that whoever sent me on this planet wants me to talk to you.

ARCHIVIST:  
And why would that be?

[SOUND OF A PIECE OF PAPER BEING SLID ACROSS THE TABLE.]

[SILENCE.]

JUNO:  
Do you believe me now?

[TAPE CLICKS OFF.]

~~~

[INT. ELIAS' OFFICE]

[TAPE CLICKS ON.]

ELIAS:  
Can I help you?

[BEAT.]

NUREYEV:  
_(flustered)_ Terribly sorry, I was looking for the bathroom. 

ELIAS:  
I'm afraid you're in the wrong place. Elias Bouchard, I'm the Head of the Magnus Institute. And you are...? 

NUREYEV:  
Duke Rose. Well, I suppose I'd better be off. Pleasure meeting you. 

ELIAS:  
What brought you here?

[STATIC RISES.]

NUREYEV:  
I'm... I'm... _(struggling, as if to keep the words inside his mouth)_ I'm here to see Jonathan Sims.

ELIAS:  
Oh? And why is that?

NUREYEV:  
What are you doing...?

[THE STATIC GROWS.]

ELIAS:  
Just answer the question.

NUREYEV:  
We received a letter.

ELIAS:  
What did it say?

NUREYEV:  
That in order to go back, we have to ask the Archivist to find a specific book. 

ELIAS:  
And how do you know it's Jonathan Sims? 

NUREYEV:  
The letter said that we'd find the Archivist in the Magnus Institute, and that we would know it's him by the clothes he's wearing and a sentence he was going to say. 

ELIAS:  
'We'? Who else is with you? 

[A PAUSE.]

[STATIC GROWS EVEN LOUDER.]

ELIAS:  
No point in fighting it, just answer the question. 

NUREYEV:  
My... I have to go.

[STATIC FADES. THE DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS.]

[TAPE CLICKS OFF.]

~~~

[INT. THE MAGNUS INSTITUTE, THE ARCHIVIST'S OFFICE.]

[TAPE CLICKS ON.]

ARCHIVIST:  
This could be fake. There is no proof that this is-

JUNO:  
Oh, yeah, someone definitely took the time to spy on you today, write down what you were wearing, then transcribe a conversation you had with your colleagues about an ice cream truck, word for word, and then give me the letter when you weren't looking. Weren't you supposed to be smart?

ARCHIVIST:  
Just because that part is real, it doesn't mean the rest is.

JUNO:  
Why the hell would I fake being from the future?! I wouldn't even have told you if the stupid letter hadn't asked me to.

ARCHIVIST:  
I... _(sighs)_ I suppose that makes sense. Where's your friend?

JUNO:  
Forget about him now. Can you help us?

ARCHIVIST:  
Where did you find this letter?

JUNO: In a book. It was... Let's say we found it in a library we... visited.

ARCHIVIST:  
Do you have that book with you?

JUNO:  
No. We barely had the time to pick up the letter after it fell from the book before we got teleported to... Earth. XXI century.

ARCHIVIST:  
Do you remember the name of the author?

JUNO:  
It was Jurgen... Ugh, damn it, something with an L. Lentrer? Leinnet?

ARCHIVIST:  
Leitner?

JUNO:  
That's it! Do you know him?

ARCHIVIST:  
His books tend to appear quite frequently in statements people give us. We have a few of them in our artifact storage.

JUNO:  
Great, let's go.

ARCHIVIST:  
Now, hold on a second. We don't know which book you need.

JUNO:  
The letter says you'll know. Whatever that means.

ARCHIVIST:  
Still, I'm quite reluctant to-

[A KNOCK AT THE DOOR.]

ARCHIVIST:  
_(annoyed)_ Yes?

[THE DOOR OPENS.]

MARTIN:  
Hi, Jon. Sorry to bother you, but, uh, Mr...

NUREYEV:  
Rose.

MARTIN:  
... Mr. Rose asked to see you- oh, I'm sorry, am I interrupting something?

ARCHIVIST:  
_(annoyed)_ Thank you, Martin, you can leave now.

MARTIN:  
Right, right, sorry, I'll go, then. Bye.

[THE DOOR SHUTS.]

[SILENCE.]

NUREYEV:  
Does he know?

JUNO:  
Yes, I told him. Took me a while to convince him.

ARCHIVIST:  
I am here, you know.

NUREYEV:  
Right, how rude of me. Duke Rose, and you must be-

ARCHIVIST:  
Jonathan Sims, yes.

NUREYEV:  
The Archivist himself. I suppose my partner told you all about our... situation.

ARCHIVIST:  
He did. But as I was about to tell him, Leitner books are incredibly dangerous and can have catastrophic effects. There are several Leitners in our artifact storage we don't know much about, because the people directly affected by them died in circumstances so mysterious, even the people giving us statements couldn't quite figure out what happened.

JUNO:  
Yeah, yeah, but we don't have to check book for book, right? You'll apparently be able to recognize the right one, according to this.

ARCHIVIST:  
We have no way to be sure that's what is going to happen.

JUNO:  
We have to try! We can't stay trapped here.

ARCHIVIST:  
I understand, and believe me, you have my sympathy, but-

NUREYEV:  
Excuse me, Mr. Sims, could you give us a moment? Alone?

ARCHIVIST:  
_(awkward)_ Of course, I'll wait outside.

[THE DOOR SHUTS.]

JUNO:  
How did the exploration go?

NUREYEV:  
I don't like this place. I searched the office of the Head of the Institute, but he caught me, and...

[PAUSE.]

NUREYEV:  
He does something, Juno. I don't know what it is, but it makes you... tell him things.

JUNO:  
What, as in hypnotism? How- how can he do that?

NUREYEV:  
I don't know.

JUNO:  
Did you tell him anything important?

NUREYEV:  
Only why we're here. I'm sorry, I-

JUNO:  
It's his fault. You did nothing wrong.

[PAUSE.]

JUNO:  
Did you tell him your name?

NUREYEV:  
Fortunately, he didn't ask. He asked me about you, but I ran away. I must confess, I have no idea how I managed to do that.

JUNO:  
Maybe you charmed him into letting you go.

NUREYEV:  
You always think so highly of me.

[THEY CHUCKLE. KISSING NOISES.]

NUREYEV:  
We're gonna go back home, Juno. I promise.

JUNO:  
I know. I love you, Nureyev.

NUREYEV:  
I love you too.

[SILENCE. FABRIC RUSTLES.]

JUNO:  
What do you think of this Archivist guy?

NUREYEV:  
A bit pretentious, if you ask me. Looks like he could use a good night's sleep, or twenty. But I think he'll help us. 

JUNO:  
I hope you're right. Should we call him in?

NUREYEV:  
As much as I'd love to go back to our time as soon as possible, we haven't really had a moment of rest since we've arrived here. Whatever this... Leitner book has in store for us, it'd be best if we faced it with a clear head.

[FABRIC RUSTLES.]

JUNO:  
You make a compelling argument.

[LAUGHTER, KISSING NOISES.]

[TAPE CLICKS OFF.]

~~~

[INT. BREAK ROOM.]

[TAPE CLICKS ON.]

ARCHIVIST:  
_(sighs)_

MARTIN:  
Lost in thought, huh?

ARCHIVIST:  
_(yells)_ What the- Martin!

MARTIN:  
Sorry sorry sorry! I didn't mean to- I'm so sorry, I didn't want to scare you like that! I just...I-I brought you tea.

ARCHIVIST:  
_(annoyed)_ Right. Thank you, Martin.

[SILENCE.]

ARCHIVIST:  
Is it too cold at night here? Should I ask Elias to turn up the heat?

MARTIN:  
Oh, no, no, it's okay. The sleeping bag is warm enough.

[BEAT.]

MARTIN:  
Thank you.

[AWKWARD SILENCE.]

MARTIN:  
Do you like it? The tea, I mean.

[PAUSE.]

ARCHIVIST:  
I suppose it's fairly good. For tea standards.

MARTIN:  
Oh, good, good.

[ANOTHER EXCRUCIATING PAUSE.]

MARTIN:  
I-

ARCHIVIST:  
_(overlapped)_ Don't you have work to do?

MARTIN:  
_(disappointed, a bit flustered)_ Right, of course. Sorry, I'll go back... to... yeah.

[STEPS WALKING AWAY. SOUND OF A MUG BEING SET ON A COUNTER.]

[DOOR OPENS.]

NUREYEV:  
Mr. Sims, we're ready.

ARCHIVIST:  
Alright. What's our next step?

JUNO:  
I'd say we check out the artifact storage. 

[TAPE CLICKS OFF.] 

~~~

[INT. ARTIFACT STORAGE.]

[TAPE CLICKS ON.]

[FOOTSTEPS ECHOING.]

JUNO:  
So, all this stuff is... what, magical? 

ARCHIVIST:  
I doubt magic has anything to do with what we hold here, but you could say that. 

JUNO:  
Why is magic off the table? I mean, where do you draw the line between supernatural events and magic, anyway? They're basically the same thing. 

NUREYEV:  
You can't seem to go a single day without being petulant, can you? 

JUNO:  
Hey, lay off, I'm right.

ARCHIVIST:  
This is where we keep the Leitners. 

NUREYEV:  
Oh, my. That is a lot of books. 

JUNO:  
And none of them look fun. So, which one is it? 

ARCHIVIST:  
I don't know. 

JUNO:  
What? But the letter says-

ARCHIVIST:  
I know what it says, it's just that... none of these books speak to me. 

JUNO:  
... Well, they don't have vocal chords, so- woah, hey, hey, it was a joke, no need to glare at me like that. 

ARCHIVIST:  
I believe it's hardly the time. 

JUNO:  
Just trying to lighten the mood, jeez. 

ARCHIVIST:  
Don't touch any of them. 

JUNO:  
I wasn't going to, what, do I look like an idiot? 

[SILENCE.]

NUREYEV:  
Do you really want to know, dear? 

JUNO:  
Shut up. We've reached the end of the shelf, seriously you got nothing? 

ARCHIVIST:  
I'm afraid I don't. I could ask Elias - my boss - if he knows anything about a missing Leitner, but considering his... history as far as getting involved in the Institute's business is concerned, I doubt he'll know more than I-

[PAUSE.]

NUREYEV:  
Is anything the matter, Mr. Sims? 

ARCHIVIST:  
This is the one. 

NUREYEV:  
Are you sure? Looks quite normal to me. 

JUNO:  
Well, it's not like there's going to be led arrows pointing at it with a neon sign saying "Space-Time Traveling Book". 

ARCHIVIST:  
It's this one, I'm telling you. 

NUREYEV:  
Alright, I guess we'd better-

JUNO:  
Wait. I'll do it. 

NUREYEV:  
Why? 

[SILENCE.]

NUREYEV:  
Juno, I thought we went over this. You can't keep sacrificing yourself-

JUNO:  
Fine, we'll do it together, then. Satisfied? 

NUREYEV:  
Quite. Are you ready? 

JUNO:  
Let's go. 

[SOUND OF A BOOK BEING TAKEN OFF A SHELF. PAGES BEING TURNED.]

JUNO:  
What the hell?! 

ARCHIVIST:  
What? 

JUNO:  
It's... empty. All of it! Just blank pages, over and over and-

[PAGE TURNING STOPS.]

NUREYEV:  
_(softly)_ Oh. 

JUNO:  
Yeah, it turns out we do need to see your boss. 

ARCHIVIST:  
Why would that be- oh. 

[SILENCE.]

ARCHIVIST:  
I have to be completely honest: after talking to alien time travellers, seeing Elias' name in a XIXth century book comes as... not that big a surprise. 

JUNO:  
'Answer Bouchard and you will get what you sought for.' The hell's that supposed to mean? 

NUREYEV:  
Only one way to find out. Mr. Sims, can you escort us to your boss' office? 

[TAPE CLICKS OFF.]  
~~~

[INT. ELIAS BOUCHARD'S OFFICE.]

[TAPE CLICKS ON.]

[KNOCK AT THE DOOR.]

ELIAS:  
Come in, Jon. 

[DOOR OPENS.]

ARCHIVIST:  
How did you know it was me? 

ELIAS:  
I heard your voice. Ah, I see you brought along Mr. Rose and his associate. 

ARCHIVIST:  
Do you know him? 

NUREYEV:  
We crossed paths, briefly.

ARCHIVIST:  
They're here because of one of Leitner's books. Here. It says that they have to answer-

ELIAS:  
Yes, thank you, Jon, I'll take it from here. Go back to work, please. 

ARCHIVIST:  
Um, alright. Good luck, you two. 

[DOOR SHUTS.]

JUNO:  
I guess we should explain our situation.

ELIAS:  
No need. I already know everything, Mr. Steel. Mr. Nureyev.

[SILENCE.]

NUREYEV:  
How do you know my name?

ELIAS:  
You'll find that I know a great deal of things about a great deal of people. Nevertheless, even I couldn't predict time travellers searching for my Archivist.

JUNO:  
What do you want?

ELIAS:  
For you to leave. I'm afraid your presence here might be deleterious to the... plan I have for him. Here. 

[CHAIR SCRAPES ON THE FLOOR. SOUND OF A BOOK BEING TAKEN OUT OF A SHELF.]

ELIAS:  
This is the book you're searching for. 

NUREYEV:  
Why is it in your possession? 

ELIAS:  
When the Trilogy of the Future was donated to the Institute, a writing in the first page told me to keep it, and that someone was going to need it someday. And the day has arrived. Now, before I give you this book, there is something I need to ask you. You might feel a little weird, but don't bother resisting.

NUREYEV:  
How come I managed to not answer your last question?

ELIAS:  
You really surprised me, you know? There's no point in lying to you, I have no idea. Maybe it's the fact that you're from the future? I don't know. And I'm not used to not knowing.

JUNO:  
Oh, boo-hoo, can you ask the question now?

ELIAS:  
You've never been much of a patient lady, have you, Mr. Steel?

JUNO:  
I'm afraid not. Now talk.

[STATIC INCREASES.]

ELIAS:  
Was there anything in the Earth's past regarding an Apocalypse with eyes?

JUNO:  
I don't think so... Nothing I've ever studied about Earth said anything of the sort. Then again, I never bothered to study. Nureyev?

NUREYEV:  
I haven't heard anything about it either.

[STATIC DECREASES.]

ELIAS:  
_(disappointed)_ Very well. Thank you for your time. Here's your book, you might wanna hold hands before you open it.

JUNO:  
Why, what's going to-

[A LOUD POP.]

[SILENCE.]

ELIAS:  
_(sighs)_

[TAPE CLICKS OFF.]


End file.
